sometimes you feel like your soaring, like the stars are aligned and that maybe nothing will go wrong. at least for a little while.
and then, well, you realize that you're no longer soaring and you're right back on the ground. sometimes even, underneath the ground.
i have had many disappointments in my short life span. 24 years is short to most but really long to me. so here i go, up and down and up and down and down again. can i get a break?
and i guess this is the part where i should probably include some cutesy, adventist/christian quote about how when we look to God he brings us back up again. i'm sorry i can't. i have to be honest about where i'm at right now.
i don't have the strength to have faith right now. and that is the truth.
“And when we try to resolve things too quickly or pretend that everyone is there when they aren’t or offer hollow superficial explanations…it’s not honest and it’s not right and it’s not real. It’s not how life is. I’ve heard people trying to be helpful in the midst of tragedy or accident or death by saying, “That’s just how God planned it,” while I’m thinking, “The God who planned THAT is not a god I want anything to do with.” Others with far more wisdom and experience than me have tackled the “why: questions of suffering. Here, in these pages, I’m interested in another question…not “Why this?” but “What now?” --Rob Bell, Drops Like Stars
ReplyDeleteSo what do we do now when we hit the bottom? I don't know the answer, but I love the "What now" question. Honesty is the best starting place! Courage friend!
i like it better when people don't have all the answers to their problems at the end of a blog like this. but i do hope you get back what you need.
ReplyDeletei concur with nicks statement. honesty and transparency are gold. thanks for sharing. i pray that strength comes soon.
ReplyDeleteLudi. I agree with Nick and Jones and Emily. Transparency=i love it.
ReplyDeletebe merciful to me, o Lord, for i am in distress;
ReplyDeletemy eyes grow weak with sorrow,
my soul and my body with grief.
my life is consumed with anguish
and my years by groaning;
my strength fails because of my affliction,
and my bones grow weak.
... i am a dread to my friends--
... i am forgotten by them as though i were dead;
i have become like broken pottery...
[ps31]
I hope your strength returns, Ludine. I hope your broken places get put back together <3
I'm kinda new here, but…I feel you and I love your heart-filled post. Thought I was the only one! I have pondered myself and have felt "scripture-less" at times to the point I can't remember my favorite scripture or passage because of the amount of ups/downs. I think in life it seems there will always be up's and down situations. There will always be one that is more fortunate and less fortunate than us. I think the entrance of sin into this world has made it this way. Even Angels marvel at the things we go through.
ReplyDeleteAs we grow, in all honesty, I believe what changes is how we manage and deal with our stress. The down moments (ie. house burns down) might be easier to handle (not that there won't be any tears). Less wrong decisions, made by an overwhelmed mind. We learn new ways of coping. Our capacity to deal with stress expands. Our emotional muscles grow as the aspiring athlete toils and spins to gain muscular strength.
I don't believe any of it is a sign God has left us, as I have heard sometimes from the pulpit.
But at least now I can remember that, "the trials of our faith is much more greater than gold and silver." Though through my times of bereavement I can't seem to remember that passage. It is a reality check. The more up/down disappointments I'm placed in, the more It pushes me to find ways of increasing my stress capacity whether spiritually or physically I guess.